Tuesday, February 12, 2013

Recap: Reading Between the Lines

Last night, the Terriers dropped an abnormally large mound of fecal matter (estimated by sources to be approximately 9 Courics in measurement) in various increments across the ice at TD Garden. As a result, they fell to a pretty lame Harvard team to the cringe-worthy tune of 7-4. That's the Terriers' third straight loss, none of which was to a team in the PWR Top-30. That also means BU has won one of its last seven contests and has won just 3 of 10 in the year 2013. On the season the Terriers are now one game over .500. And because we aren't talking about batting averages, these numbers are really, really shitty.

Afterwards BU Head Coach Jack Parker sat down with Assistant Captain Ryan Ruikka for a standard postgame press conference. Being that the team at BSRS is a group of individuals enlightened not only with a formidable insight into hockey strategy and theory but also in our ability to read people and psychologically deconstruct their actions, we decided to break down Parker's postgame presser to help you read between the lines and figure out what Jack is really thinking when he speaks to the media.

Jack Parker is known for being generally reserved but frank with the press. When his team plays poorly he doesn't sugar coat it, and when the opponent plays well he gives them due credit. His historically candid nature has earned him some haters, but (especially as a Rangers fan) I very highly value a coach who tells it like it is.

Even with Coach Parker's off the cuff remarks and straight-shooter tendencies, sometimes he holds something back. A little edge, a little extra emotion that doesn't belong in the pressers. Well it belongs here, and we welcome it here. Jack, you can always talk to BSRS about how you truly feel. So here we go: a step-by-step breakdown of tonight's press conference, brought to you by HTS and GW.

*Disclaimer: Obviously we're putting words in Coach Parker's mouth. Don't take this seriously. We sure didn't. Unless you play hockey for BU and want to use this as motivation. Then go ahead. But how cool would it be if we could read Coach Parker's thoughts? [distant stare] That'd be awesome.*

What Parker said: "They're 2-0 against us and they manhandled us"..."we had 47 shots but it was nowhere near the type of effort we need. In general, just more of the same from my club. Just not quite right. That's it."
What Parker wanted to say: Playing half of a hockey game only works to your advantage when your opponent doesn't put seven goals on the scoreboard. Which doesn't matter, because my team has only actually played hockey once in the last seven weeks. Seriously, these guys look like a bunch of retards trying to hump a doorknob out there. "Manhandled" isn't even the right word to describe this performance. Our defense tonight was abused worse than a dog named Rihanna adopted by Michael Vick from an animal shelter on Neverland Ranch. The Terriers I saw tonight belong in an ASPCA commercial, not on the ice. The way they're playing, this fucking team's theme song lately is "In the Arms of the Angels".

What Parker said: [on what he's seen the last couple of weeks that's different from the team] "It hasn't been the last couple of weeks. It's been the whole semester"..."I loved everything about our team in the first semester, and we come back after Christmas and from the get-go we have not played anywhere near up to the way we played the first semester."
What Parker wanted to say: The only thing I've been seeing consistently the last couple of weeks has been the bottoms of dozens of whiskey bottles. Obviously the difference is that we have been playing like shit for two months. "Two weeks"... who the fuck do you think you are wasting my time with such a goddamned asinine question? Seriously, I can not handle your stupidity. Seriously:

What Parker said: "We didn't have the discipline, the focus...or the attention to detail, especially on defense, that we really need."
What Parker wanted to say

What Parker said: "I thought I had my thumb on [the source of the team's problems] and I do not obviously, because we just cannot seem to get ourselves emotionally ready to play the way we have to play."
What Parker wanted to say: Half of the team is gathering life vests and securing oars to the rowlocks. The other half of the team is making a run to Blanchard's so that when we've abandoned the season in a life boat and it inevitably capsizes as well, at least we'll all be blacked out. That's the fucking team mentality, as best I can tell.

What Parker said: [on the failures of coaching measures to curb lapses in discipline] "We have to just remove guys....from ice time. If you can't stop taking stupid penalties, then don't get on the ice and it's hard to take a penalty."
What Parker wanted to say: What the fuck do you think? I have dealt out so many fucking bike rides this semester, next year's program should be sponsored by Schwinn. Privitera has logged so many miles on the bike, he's more likely to be wearing yellow Spandex next fall than a scarlet sweater. Seriously, I had Bavis call Lance Armstrong's people to coordinate Privy's blood transfusions so he wouldn't collapse during the national anthem every weekend. So yes, players who lack discipline won't get ice time. That is why for upcoming weekend in Maine, I will be bringing only seven players including both goaltenders. And a bike, because at this point I'm just assuming someone will earn themselves a ride home on it. In addition, Privy will be washing and waxing the cars of everyone who works for BU Athletics and is banned from wearing ice skates for two weeks. If this team does not come back from Maine with four points, I will hire Kenny Loggins to come here and play an acoustic set while I slap some sense into them. DANGER ZONE.

What Parker said: "Our problem is not just stupid penalties. Most of our stupid penalties are at the end of games, when we don't like what's happening and we let our emotions go the wrong way. That's not our major problem. Our major problem is a lack of competition."
What Parker wanted to say: There are no stupid penalties. Just kidding, yes there are. Anyone watching BU hockey this semester (re: decade) knows exactly what they look like. However, there are no stupid presser questions. Just stupid "reporters" who wear press badges the same way a 12-year-old boy scout wears a coin collecting merit badge. I'm looking at you, guy from the Boston Herald who probably should have been aborted. Honestly, the only thing less relevant in Boston than your newspaper is Northeastern's hockey program.

What Parker said: [on whether he has discussed the situation for tournament bids and home ice advantage with the team] "That's been said already. It was said before this game. This game was not important to Harvard. Harvard was not going to get into the national tournament with an at-large bid. We had a chance to do that, and now we're dropped well down in the Pairwise poll.
What Parker wanted to say: Nah, we keep the guys pretty shielded from that stuff. Luckily none of them is on Twitter, or knows how to navigate the internet, or reads the inane articles that soulless ginger bastard Meloni turns out. What the fuck do you think asshole?

What Parker didn't say: I am going to go home and pound a bottle to the face of the finest scotch this side of the Prime Meridian, which coincidentally is twice as old as any of the comatose fuck-ups on this godforsaken hockey team. Deuces. *drops mic*

If you're reading a GW/HTS collab post and are surprised at the number of Archer references, kindly get off my lawn, Vincent Van Go-Fuck-Yourself.

Last night I drank two handles of Blanchard's Special Reserve and swallowed an entire box of birth control pills. For a couple of hours I thought I was Hat Trick Swayze. Then I realized I was. Not giving a fuck is AWWWWEESSSOOOMMMMEEE.

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