Friday, November 22, 2013

[Updated] Getting to Know Boston: NoDak Edition

[Updated at ~8pm, after I got home from work. -HatTrick Swayze]

Here at BSRS we consider it a priority to foster healthy, friendly relationships with the fanbases of the Terriers' opponents based upon mutual respect and a love of hockey. Even when those fans come from North Dakota, or are Nazis, or bigoted alcoholics averaging three to five intelligent thoughts per month...or all of the above. I feel bad for the kids in NoDak. Nobody likes them. Nobody cares about them. And it's not a new phenomenon...

So here we are, with NoDak weekend finally upon us. And every sports fan knows, from the pinko commie east coast flatlanders to the Obama-loving no-balls blue-staters on the West coast, that no college hockey team in the nation travels better or fosters more bigotry than the North Dakota Flickertails Sioux Fighting Sioux *ahem*...Than the players formerly known as the Sioux. When they leave Boston on the bus ride home they'll have been thrashed and snailtrailed in such degrading fashion, they'll have to purify themselves in the waters of Devils Lake. But that won't stop BSRS from trying to be hospitable nonetheless. 

GW and I thought it would be a good idea to help out our Highland visitors by providing them with a quick little guide to visiting Boston this weekend, including the things they can expect to see while they're here. So let's get started.

(pictured: actual diversity) 

This is a picture of people of different races standing next to each other. They are just like you and me, but with different physical features and skin color. Those of you who have seen one of the six televisions in North Dakota or visited a Canadian internet café may have seen black, Latino and Asian people before. However, it's widely known that North Dakota is Alabama without the diversity. Thus, it's important that you expect to encounter actual diversity during your time at BU.

Don't be alarmed. None of these people actually wants to terk yer jerbs or steal your grandfather's life savings out of the mattress and buy malt liquor and Obamaphones. They're just people. If you think you'll have trouble containing your intolerance, you should avoid them entirely because meeting you will ruin their day.

Public Transportation

A long time ago, very smart people decided that riding horses was an inefficient method of getting around. Now, look: we understand that many of you can't drive or are confused by the big metal boxes that roll like tractors but have no use in farmland production. Cars are pretty common in Boston, which led people to start riding on buses (like long tractors with smaller wheels and more seats) and subway lines (like long tractors with smaller wheels and more seats underground) en masse when they needed to get around.

In Boston, the subway system is called the T. Avoid it at all costs. It will confuse you, and you may encounter rabid Terrier fans.

Homosexual Couples

This is among the top image search results for "gay couples holding hands in public."
I know. How could it get worse than "the Blacks" and "Orientals" everywhere you turn?! But it DOES. Remember to bring your pocket bibles and rosaries, because the sin you'll witness is hard to describe in words. So much worse than when you guys discovered "emo" kids five years too late:


Not only is gay marriage legal in Massachusetts, it was the first state to pass the legislation! And in ten years they haven't repealed a law allowing two people who love each other to marry unconditionally! Basically everyone here supports it, which means you cannot support anyone from here.


An Obesity Rate Under 25%
2nd lowest rate in the nation, bitches. #NoFatties

Buildings Larger than Two Stories

Welcome to civilization.
Don't worry, you guys. Another benefit to having a school system that hires professional teachers instead of homeschooling its future generations (and teaches evolution instead of fiction) is that we tend to think ahead on things. Yes, there are very tall buildings in Boston but don't worry your stenotic, sloppy, clogged and infarcted hearts; we put elevators and escalators in them so you won't have to stop eating your quadruple cheeseburger to try and breathe.

Blasphemy and Atheism

Some of you may handle this better than others, but as it turns out, it's possible you might see BU chicks expose their skin in public. Ankles, wrists, collarbones...most of them don't even OWN a petticoat! I know, I know. They'll pay for their sins in due time, and it's the Lord Our God's judgment which will rain down upon blah blah blah *fart noise*. Just try to turn a blind eye to them. If you try and shove your throbbing religion down our throats, you will discover that some people outside of North Dakota DON'T BELIEVE IN THE EXISTENCE OF GOD!!

No further explanation needed.
The Birthplace of The United States of America

Last year this was a key point that NoDakers (No-Dick-ers? *bows* Try the veal, I'll be here all weekend.) had a lot of trouble figuring out. They like to claim superiority as a function of their residence in the geographical center of the country (what Wolf Blitzer would call "Middle America" in a demented stupor). Unfortunately, in reality that means jack shit and besides having over three times as many electoral votes in Massachusetts, Bostonians can defend their patriotism pretty easily when you consider they founded the country. "Go drink some tea" was the inspired taunt consistently vomited out by the Nameless Faithful last year, and they've stuck to it in 2013. That would be a lame and lazy burn, but at least an actual burn, if only the history of Boston's Tea Party were something of which we should be ashamed.

But it isn't. No, we're not talking about that Tea Party. Our history breeds pride.

That's better. 'MURICA.

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