Sunday, January 6, 2013

Post-Lockout NHL Season Predictions

Lockout over, which means your NHL guy is back. Okay, even last year I didn’t write much. Whatever. I'm sorry.

Here are my predictions for each team this year. Take them lightly please.

·         Anaheim – Disney re-acquires Anaheim, names them the Anaheim Kung-Fu Pandas. Selanne quits. Bruce Boudreau looks like a panda.
·         Boston – Bruins sign four more players over the age of 37, makes them all captains. Warsofsky gets called up and scores 74 goals.
·         Buffalo – Ryan Miller gets mad because a Lucic shot a puck at him during a game. Lindy Ruff thinks everything’s a joke. Rick Jeanneret yells a lot.
·         Calgary – who?
·         Carolina – Hurricane’s front office (Mr. and Mrs. Staal) aggressively make offers to NY to get Marc Staal. Semin scores 1 goal all year, but is still named Alternate captain.
·         Chicago – Per CBA rules, the Blackhawks must trade away more of their enforcers. Kane assumes role of enforcer. Dies. Toews is still very Swedish.
·         Colorado – players get too lazy because of the Marijuana laws in Colorado. 0-50 on the season, but concession sales have never been higher.
·         Columbus – Columbus finishes last, but doesn’t get the first round pick. Due to a labor stoppage, they lose the All-Star game, and their top draft pick has season-ending surgery. Oh wait that seems familiar…
·         Dallas – in an effort to rebuild, the Stars lure Lindros and Hull out of retirement. The Hull-Lindros-Jagr line combines for 3 broken hips and 19 concussions. Star’s GM Nieuwendyk apologizes to fans for a 1-49-0 season. Fires self.

·         Detroit – Per CBA rules, Detroit must trade so that there are only 2 players that are not from Russia or Sweden. Datsyuk still doesn’t know English.
·         Edmonton – despite unbelievable talent, the Oilers take another “rebuilding year.” Khabibulin’s drinking worsens.
·         Florida – Panthers win the Cup but because of a Flo Rida and Pitbull concert in Miami, nobody goes to the game
·         LA – Per CBA rules, LA must trade to get more of Philadelphia’s roster. They eventually move to Philly and change their name to the Los Angeles Kings of Philadelphia. Wear orange and black.
·         Minnesota – Parise and Suter are the only two to score any goals. Charlie Coyle leaves because he’s tired of being an athlete-athlete. Tries to play for BU again. Parker laughs. Gets deported back to Russia because Coyle is actually a Russian Communist.
·         Montreal – Carey Price leads the team in scoring. Fans dig up Maurice Richard’s body and put him on the ice.
·         Nashville – Yip leads the League in fighting, but only fighting other players who came from the NCAA. Shea Weber angrily leads the team to another failed playoff attempt. Barry Trotz gets fatter.
·         New Jersey – Devils sign Brodeur to a 10 year contract extension, breaking new CBA policy. They drop Kovalchuk to keep Brodeur.
·         NY Islanders – Per CBA rules, the Islanders will lose their starting goalie to crippling injury. They sign a new lefty goalie to a multi-year deal. All 7 fans are disappointed.
·         NY Rangers – Start the season going 1-20, make it to the playoffs because of the stars aligning properly. Sather smokes a cigar. Messier comes out of retirement to win the Cup. Cries.
·         Ottawa – the team crumbles defensively for not re-signing Gilroy. Alfredsson’s mustache gets longer, earns him a contract extension.
·         Philadelphia – Bryzgalov spent the lockout becoming a chessmaster. Tries to apply chess strategy to hockey. Ends up with a 9.43 GAA. Ed Snider flees to Mexico.
·         Phoenix – Per CBA rules, Phoenix must burn half of all the money they make and only allow 1,200 fans per game. Doan thinks he is the next Gretzky.
·         Pittsburgh – after firing their whole medical staff (which did actually happen), penguins fire their entire front office. Lemieux tries out, but gets cut. Crosby gets 5 more concussions.
·         San Jose – front office tries a different shade of blue on uniforms to change their luck. 50-0 on the season. Lose in the first round.
·         St Louis – Under a contract loophole exploited in the new CBA, Gretzky is still actually a Blue. Scores 167 goals, but still miss playoffs. Shattenkirk continues to be great on Twitter.
·         Tampa Bay – Stamkos scores 60 goals again, and the Lightning make the playoffs. However, because the average age of people in Tampa is  68+, the forum remains empty for all of the playoffs. Lecavalier cries.
·         Toronto – Per CBA rules, Toronto will start the season in last place, with multiple injuries and a .233 winning percentage.
·         Vancouver – Luongo re-signs in Vancouver, gets demoted to beer vendor. Sedin twins get caught by Paparazzi in bed together. Fans go crazy for it.
·         Washington – Per CBA rules, Ovechkin will wear the C and 3 A’s on his sweater. He will also play goalie, coach the team, act as GM/Owner, be the mascot and timekeeper.
·         Winnipeg – Byfuglien becomes the first hockey player to weigh over 450 lbs. Ladd tries several times to escape back to Atlanta, but the MTS corporation captures him every time. Jokinen eats a Big Mac before every game and becomes the league scoring leader.

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