Why Your Team Sucks- UMass

In case you don't get around the internet much, this a clear worse version of what Deadspin does with the NFL each year

 Part 1 of 11

Your team: UMass Minutemen Hockey 
Your 2015-2016 record: 8-24-4(2-16-4)
Your 2016-2017 outlook: Probably not all that much better than last year..or the year before or the year before that. UMass has sucked for basically 10 years since Jonanthan Quick got the hell out of the boring ass town of Amherst, MA as soon as possible. This has been par for the course for every NHL ready or even close to ready prospect at the state's flagship school. Who is the last Minuteman who was borderline to turn pro or return to school and actually came back to school? Frank Vatrano, Brandon Montour, etc. Kravchenko probably tried to get kicked out this year just because he couldn't stand it anymore. You could continue to lose A LOT in the middle of nowhere or you could go make six figures. Easy choice even for a UMass student.

via GIPHY


Last year, Umass had 8 wins all year including only two in conference. They should get credit for another as they did beat 11th placed Maine once out of 4 games(it was a third place tournament game in New Jersey). Anyone who attended a third place tournament game between Maine and UMass in the state of New Jersey either has absolutely no life or just loves watching train wrecks of hockey teams. Speaking of train wrecks, two of their other wins came against Colorado College who somehow manages to make UMass look like a real hockey team twice a year. Their other wins came against Army in OT, UConn X 2, AIC and Sacred Heart. For those keeping track at home, approximately 0 of those wins comes against teams with a record above .500 or even close to it.

UMass continues to schedule juggernauts this year with out of conference games against the likes of Army, Princeton, Alabama Huntsville and D-1 newcomer Arizona State. They also are playing in a tournament in Belfast Ireland. My question for tournament organizers is that haven't the Irish people been through enough? Famine, wars, terrible weather and now UMass hockey. Very sad state of affairs for all of Ireland that weekend when the train wreck hockey program rolls into town.

UMass loses six players( four of which had to be kicked out of the program) from the program which account for 33% of the points on an 8 win team that was a combined -62 on the season. I am no hockey expert but that doesn't sound like a recipe for success unless you have a bunch of first round picks coming in that year(oh that's only a BU thing). The chances UMass has a successful season this year is the same chance they have at having a full student section in a third period..0%




Your Coach: Greg Carvel the ice cream cake, 1st year. Carvel comes to Amherst after four years coaching at his alma mater Saint Lawrence where he went 72-63-15 which would put him into the UMass hall of fame if he did that over the next four years. Good luck with that.

U! UMass! UMass sucks!